


Existence in new homes

by UneNightshade



Series: Live, die, and exist [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Benreys probably OOC but that’s what the void does to you, Blood, Crying, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Might have incorrect grammar because i wasn’t taught to type, My First AO3 Post, Tags Are Hard, They/Them Pronouns For Benrey (Half-Life), i don’t describe it in detail don’t worry, i think it’s angst not entirely sure, this is gonna be sad but don’t worry it’ll probably get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-24 04:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UneNightshade/pseuds/UneNightshade
Summary: So it’s your typical Benery get out of the void and lives with Gordon BUT he doesn’t. At least not right away, it’s also sorta sad.First fic baby!!
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: Live, die, and exist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2224068
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	1. Existing than living

How long had it been? A week? It felt like that. In a place that time doesn’t exist it’s hard to keep track, especially if you keep drifting out into your thoughts. Being in a place with nothing was the worst kind of punishment, worse than death some would say. At least in death you can’t feel pain of past mistakes and bullet wounds, death is full compared to the emptiness of the void. Benrey thinks this is a somewhat proper punishment for what’s they’ve done. They knew what their fate was and yet instead of trying to change it, they made it worse. 

Benrey was laying in static while looking at the colorless sweet voice. Color and sound wasn’t something that existed in the void, small light was what made Benrey’s features visible. They didn’t know where the light was coming from and didn’t really care. 

They closes their eyes every now and then, just to see colors and hear sounds from their nightmares of the Black Mesa. Their nightmares are always the same things, they watch the time they were crushed to death by a blast door, their corpse always moves its head to look towards them. The accident was the most common one, Gordon’s screams and cries the solders don’t pay any attention to Benrey because they know their the one who sold Gordon out. Benery always holds the cut off hand and sits in Gordon’s pool of blood while rocking themselves back and forth. The most rare one was the boss battle, Benry sits on the sidelines watching the fear in everybody’s face. They look at themselves and sees the horrid disgusting creature they’ve become. 

Benrey closes their eyes and prepares for one of the three dreams, but instead they get nothing. Instead of waking up in a choking static void they wake up in a pastel room dimly lit by halfway opens curtains. Their on a bed now, they don’t feel anything not even the blood around them ruining the pretty pink to blue bedsheets. They stares into the ceiling, wondering what happened. They try to move their arm and end up knocking down a cup shattering it. The sound was loud and hurt, it rang in their ears for a moment until it was replaced by footsteps. The footsteps were gentle and familiar, they were Tommy’s footsteps. This was Tommy’s house. Did Tommy break them out of the void? Why would he do that? Benrey thoughts go fast, so fast they don’t register the door opening and the sound of Tommy walking towards them.  
They keeps thinking. Why would Tommy waste his time getting Benrey sorry ass? Doesn’t he understand that he wasn’t supposed to be alive? Hidden from everybody else? Hidden in the sand and the mud?

Tommy grabs Benreys face gently and faces them to look at him. Benreys eyes are wide open tears flowing and floating upwards hitting the ceiling. “Hey, how are you? Can you speak?” He whispers with a him of sadness in his tone.  
Benrey tried to sit up but Tommy pushes them down “you need to rest. Can you speak? Do you want to use the tapping system?” Benery remembers the tapping system, one tap for yes, two for no. Tommy used it whenever Benrey was done being examined by scientists or whenever he had found Benrey stuffed away in the lockers crying their life out. 

“Can you speak?” Tommy repeated. Benrey felt like they were annoying Tommy, they tapped twice. “Do you want help sitting up?” One tap. Tommy lifted Benrey up against the wall next to the bed. “Do you want water?” Two taps. “Do you want me to lay with you? It’s 2 in the morning and I’m a bit tired” Ah, so Benrey woke Tommy up, they ruined Tommy’s sleep, he tapped twice. 

Tommy got up and from the stool the now broken cup was once on. Tommy went to pick Benrey up and Benrey tried to move away, he hadn’t expected to be picked up. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I was going to move you to my bedroom so you could sleep on a clean bed... do you want to sleep on my bed?” Benery didn’t answer for a uncomfortable amount of time before tapping twice.  
Tommy smiled and left the room leaving Benery to their thoughts.


	2. Past is past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok now I actually know what the plot will be like for a few chapters, so that’s good. Anyway enjoy the chapter (some grammar will probably be wrong I’m working on this while also doing schoolwork)

Benrey didn’t sleep. Benrey didn’t want to sleep, they didn’t know if this was a dream or if it was real. It seems real but benrey couldnt feel anything’s so they just laid there, they didn’t need sleep anyway. Looking at the room, it looked like it was abandoned years ago. Dust on the ground marking the footprints of Tommy, the furniture also had dust but there were drawing of smiley faces drawn onto them. Tommy did that no doubt, he’s always happy so why wouldn’t he draw happy faces? 

The room looks familiar oddly, at least the arrangement of furniture was, the walls were a light blue similar to Benrey’s torn up work shirt. The sheets were also blue but they faded to pink. Well it was more of a bloodied pink fade to blue. 

The birds started to sing and Benrey followed the tune, they tried to use use sweet voice but it hurt. They tried to take a deep breath but it only made it worse. They slowly sits upward trying not to cause any pain. 

Benery took another breath, this time short. There was a mirror on the wall next to the bed. They shifted over towards it, then slowly stood up. They looked at themselves. They looked a bit shit.  
Some wounds old but most are new. Bite marks on their ankles and wrists, torn up pants and a large crack in their helmet. Their armor had lots of holes sprinkled in and was bent in the area where they were crushed by the door. 

They stared at his reflection, they had almost forgotten that was what they looked like. A quiet knock and they were pulled out of their odd trance.  
Tommy slowly opened the door like he was trying not to scare off a wild baby deer. Tommy was wearing a soft looking yellow sweater, his eyes were more relaxed like his fathers. His hair was a bit longer too. They stared at each other before Tommy walked up to Benery slowly.

Tommy gently grabbed Benrey’s hand and pulled them out of the pastel looking room. They both went downstairs to the living room were a show was playing on a projector connected to a PS4. A show full of pastel colors and cute styles. Tommy sat benrey on the couch in front of the show. “Stay here ok? I’ll bring you breakfast.” With that he left. 

Benrey continued watching the show completely absorbed in it. It was about a girl and a talking animal called puppy-cat taking temp jobs from a big tv in...in...the void.  
This void for them was nicer, it didn’t hurt them it let them see colors and hear sounds. It wasn’t like the cold harsh colorless void benrey was serving their punishment in. They still couldn’t feel anything, not even the tears from his eyes floating upwards or how their chest felt tight and he felt small and crushed together. What was this? Why were they getting worked up by a show? It wasn’t real, this was a made up show for this stupid dream.   
They would wake up in that static hold and- “H-hey, hey, can you hear me? Benrey I need you to look at me please.” Tommy was holding Benrey’s face towards him, Benrey’s eyes were open and looking but not at Tommy they were looking at haunting memories of nothingness. 

They were looking at those beautiful designs of blood from their wounds gently swaying around mixing with torn fabric, making colorless designs that were memorizing.

Tommy slowly pulled them close and rocked back and forth while rubbing circles into his shoulder and chest..when did they take off their armor? Where did his helmet go? They shouldn’t think to hard into it, no point. After what felt like a while Benery calmed down. This wasn’t like them, they never acted so weak. They wondered is Tommy thought they were pathetic. 

“Tapping system please. Um.. are you feeling better? Can you speak at all?” Benrey tried to speak but it came out raspy and harsh. “Tapping system please.” Benrey wanted to shrink and disappear, close their eyes and wake up in a place where they couldn’t fuck up basic requests. They sighed and tapped once.

Tommy grabbed a plate of food that was behind him and handed it to benrey. It was egg and potatoes with golden bread, simple. Benrey stared at the meal, unsure if they could even eat. Could they taste things in the void? Probably not.  
Benrey mush have been staring for a minute because Tommy said something to them.  
“Huh?” Classic, great communication there idiot.  
“I said, do you need help eating? It’s not a problem if you do.” Tommy smiled, it was a pity smile. Benery shook their head, no. “O-oh ok then, um, tell me when your done eating so I can start a bath for you :)” Then he walked off.

Benrey sat on the couch and continued watching the show for about 5 minutes. It was apparently called Bee and PuppyCat. It seemed like something Tommy would watch. In the end Bee”s hand was broken, when that happened Benery couldn’t watch anymore. They went over to the kitchen to throw away the half eaten food. 

“-M out, it was hard finding him and...yeah he is..” Tommy hadn’t noticed Benrey yet, he wondered who Tommy was talking to and about? “You are the first one I’ve told Dr. Co-...” Benry stood there frozen, Tommy must have seen Benery out of the corner of his eye. “I’ll bring him over okay? Love you!” 

Tommy hung up and turned around to so Benrey standing in the doorway looking terrified out of their mind. They was going to meet their friends, or well the people they thought were friends. Who knew what was going to happen, they would probably fuck it up again. Maybe they were going to kill him again? They was already weak and not dead like the science team would like. But Tommy wouldn’t do that, he cared about Benery! He would never put him in danger! Right?

To many thoughts were growing in their head, none of them had any backup to them and didn’t seem possible but it didn’t stop Benrey from thinking. “Hey, are you ready for a bath?” It took Benrey a second to register what was said before nodding. Tommy walked past them and headed to the bathroom and Benery followed. 

——————————————————————————

The water was nice, the bath was super bubbly. Benery watched the blood from their arms and legs dye the water pink, the swirls made of water, soap and dried blood were pretty he thought. They kept trying to distract themselves from thinking about the conversation they watched between Tommy and maybe Dr. Commer. They failed as usual. 

Tommy said he’d bring Benery to them. To who? Bubby? Dr. Coomer? Or Gordon?Benery was probably going to see Gordon and they didn’t want to. They knew how Gordon would react, he would get mad and try to beat Benery up. Maybe everybody else would join, or cheer form the sidelines like how Benery did when Gordon lost his hand. Then they would leave them in a alley way to bleed out to death. 

Benery liked Getting Gordon riled up, it was fun watching him turn red like a cherry. But that was when they weren’t a weak pathetic person using somebody’s space, that was when they were strong.

Benrey could feel things now, they knew this was the real world after the first bite from breakfast. 

“Benery! I’m leaving you cloths at the door okay! I’m going to be taking Sunkist on a walk with a friend ok?” Tommy shouted then walked away, the front door opening and closing loudly.  
Benery stayed in the bath for a few more minutes before drying off and putting on the soft dark blue cloths Tommy left them.

Benrey looked out the window of the pastel room, they watched two birds sing at each other. Probably talking about how ugly Benery looked. They always hated birds, they talked in a language they couldn’t understand. They knew they weren’t talking about them but there was always a possibility. 

Tommy was gone for a while now, maybe he left Benrey because he didn’t want to see them. Benery fucked up their relationship with Gordon so why would they have fucked up their friendship with Tommy? Benrey always messed things up, their friends always eventually left them so why wouldn’t Tommy?  
Benery wanted to hide from their problems and thoughts but they always knew where they were. 

They opened the window. It was a nice day. Benery didn’t want to make Tommy sad, but if they stayed they would make the others upset. 

They slipped out of the window, making sure not to hit their helmet. It was nice and bright out, the grass was cold but soft. They were in the woods. The trees were tall and looked down at them, and they didn’t like it. Benery walked away from Tommy’s house making sure to leave their problems in the pastel room. 

They looked back. But they already left, no point in going back to the problems locked in that room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad Benery moments here. Sorry if it confusing to you, as I said this is my first time writing anything and my first time using ao3.


	3. Sunny days and dark nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like parks don’t you?

It was a nice day. Tommy loved being in the sunlight or the rain, it was nice. He was in the park with Sunkist, Darnold and Gordon. Darnold was chasing Sunkist around while trying to get his hat from her.

Gordon was late as usual, he always says he’ll get a watch or set timers but never does. Tommy takes a sip of his iced soda and watches Darnold chase Sunkist around more. 

Tommy sat there enjoying the sunlight for a bit when he felt a shift in weight of the bench. He looked up and it was Gordon! His hair was braided with flowers in it, joshu probably did that. He’s going to theater college and likes to practice his makeup skills on Tommy. 

“Sorry I’m late, Joshua wanted to try and triple braid my hair. Uh, I got sandwiches and tea.” He smiled.

“It’s okay! I’m just enjoying the sun!” He smiled back.

“It’s about time, you need a break.” Gordon handed Tommy a sandwich, turkey and cheddar. “How is he anyway?”

Tommy looked down and slightly frowned “I mean physically their doing ok. Better than the first day for sure. But they’ve changed, they don’t speak anymore and t-they seems paranoid about everything!” 

Gordon frowned too “I’d expect, being in a place like that will change you.” He took another bite “what they did was bad, but they didint deserve to suffer like that for so long.” 

“Who didn’t deserve what?” Darnold was liked up to the table in a chewed up hat.

“Hey Darnold, how are you?” Gordon moved over for Darnold to sit.

“I’m doing good, so who were you talking about?”

“Benrey.” Tommy answered. 

Darnold gave a weird expression. Tommy didn’t think he remembered him.  
“He’s the one who’s been sleeping in the light blue room. With all the blood?” Tommy’s explanation didn’t seem to work seemed to work because Darnold still looked confused. “The one who bite me?” Tommy pulled up his sleeve and unraveled the bandage revealing a clean bit a a few scratch marks. 

“Oh, him I’ve almost forgotten about them.”

“They haven’t been here for long, only like, a week.” Gordon said with his mouth full. Gross.

“Mm, well I’m going to go and play with Sunkist.” Darnold didn’t like talking about Benrey, he didn’t hate them, he never had a reason to. It’s just any time they are mentioned everybody goes quiet and the air goes heavy. 

Darnold walked over to Sunkist. The sunshine hid a little. 

“They shouldn’t have bitten you though. You’d think they would recognize you.””

“That’s what I thought. But they keep having nightmares and wakes up for a -a hour! Then they’ll fall right back to sleep!”

“Your bringing them to brunch tomorrow right? What if they don’t want to go?”

“I’ll tell them once me and Sunkist get home. I know it’s terrible to force somebody to go somewhere they might not like, but my dad is going to be home tomorrow and you know how he feels about Benery.”

“Mmm, You know what’s best, I guess.” Gordon ate the rest of his sandwich 

——————————————————————————

Tommy got home at about 5pm. He lost track of time when Gordon convinced him and Darnold to go to a arcade. Tommy was planning on making soup for dinner but he didn’t want to waste the pizza.

The air was crisp and nice. Tommy was tired but Sunkist was a energetic as ever, being immortal must have been great. Tommy wished he had a much energy as Sunkist, now he’s just tired. Guess that’s what being 45 does to you. 

As soon as he opened the door Sunkist ran right through. She one of the couch and then jumped on it. He put the pizza from the arcade and set it on the counter. 

The house looked completely untouched. The PS4 was off and it was cold.  
The lights were still on.

Tommy filled up a cup of water and quietly headed to Benerys room. The door was opened a bit and creaked a bit when he opened it a little more. 

The room was cold and the window was open. Tommy walked over to the open widow and closed it. When did he open it? 

Benrey wasn’t in this room next best guess was Tommy’s room. He walked over to his room making sure to pet Sunkist on way. 

His door was shut. He turned on the light to his room and saw everything was untouched. 

A little bit of anxiety grew. 

Tommy went upstairs to check the other rooms. His fathers? Nope. Sunkists toy room? Nope, although Sunkist was there Benery wasn’t. Maybe the guest room? Nope. The garage? He couldn’t have got in it was locked. 

Where could he be? Tommy’s anxiety grew even bigger. 

He went out to the backyard to see if he fell asleep there, he always like sleeping among the flowers. 

The night was icy cold and didn’t feel nice, it felt like something bad happened. He turned on the backyard lights and stood on the porch. No Benrey, no nothing! Tommy looked at the ground trying to find footprints and he did. Just...moving away from the house and into the woods. 

Benery ran away? Why? His anxiety sky rocketed he was going to start crying. 

He called the Science team and told them that Benery was gone through hiccups. Darnold suggested that everyone be on look out for them.

Tommy sat on his couch and cried while Sunkist comforted him. Benrey had spent so much time in that self enforced prison. Tommy worked hard to get them out.  
9 years of work gone within a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grammar might not be right in this. Sorry!


	4. Merida, Bastard and Sunkist the best animals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The setting of this fic in in Washington because that’s the place I’m most familiar with. Plus I didn’t want to write a setting that I’ve never been to.
> 
> Also, gman is mostly referred as Tommy’s father. Autocorrect kept changing Gman to gameboy and I was tired of trying to fix it. Enjoy my attempts at writing Gman.

It was bright. They have been wondering around these woods for a hour? It was nice, it wold be better if they weren’t barefoot and bleeding. They climbed a hill and sat in the weeds. Thank goodness it was bright and warm, it made drying of clothing a bit quicker. It wasn’t their best idea to walk through a river, Benrey will blame the frog they were chasing if anyone asks.

They sat there until the sky turned purple and then dark blue. They haven’t seen the sky like this in real life. Only in video games Tommy snuck in for them. They watched animals walk past them, not caring or acknowledging them at all. 

Well maybe apart from this baby deer and a stupid crow. Benery didn’t know what was up with those animals, deer were supposed to be sacred baby’s hiding in corners not brave things sleeping next to monsters. Especially this monster. Benrey was used to birds sitting on them.  
That was one of the reasons they hated birds. 

Apon further inspection the crow was missing a toe and had a white feather that definitely didn’t belong to it. Benrey did some testing, or just yelling depending on who you ask Benrey found out it was deaf. Poor thing.

Benery absently minded pet the deer until it went to sleep. 

“What am I doin?” They whispered to the weeds. “Why am I here?” Benery knew they should have been at Tommy’s house, watching Bee and PuppyCat. Maybe dying on Tommy’s nice floor. Their punishment was worse than death they thought. They would rather feel pain and hear the sounds of Gordon yelling at them for somehow being alive again. They didn’t deserve a second chance, they didn’t deserve to have anything. 

They messed up their punishment, they didn’t hold the walls of the void very well. Tommy was strong but he couldn’t have been strong enough to break the walls Benrey made. Tommy must have cheated too. The void Benery made was a labyrinth made of memory’s. Most of them were haunting and witnessing one could probably kill you.

But yet Tommy made it through, Benery didn’t make the walls strong enough. 

They drifted off to sleep laying next to the baby deer. 

The water was red , dyed by their own blood. Benrey was in two places, one the big bad monster and the other someone sitting on the sidelines. A witness. They knew how this ended, they’ve seen it a thousand times before. 

They looked at themselves, their ugly face twisting and somehow putting on a decent smile. Even though most of their face are eyes looking around. They had two hands above the water and more under it. Holding everybody above water, making sure they don’t sink. 

The smaller Benrey swam downwards and waited for it to be over. The shouting and gunshots were muffled by the water. They went deeper and deeper until it turned black. 

The darkness reminded them of the void. Nothing there, only Benrey. They were safe nothing could hurt them and they couldn’t hurt anything.  
It was nice.

A hand grabbed them and brought them to the surface. The fight must have been over. It lifted them and then put them on a spike to sit on. Their big corpse looked at them. That’s all it ever did, it just looked at them. Their big self started crying and sinking. Their drowned sobs echoed around loudly. 

Sweet voice floated out of the water and popped when it his the ceiling of the boss room. Dove the blue. I loved you. Benrey refused to watch. They hated their emotions, they wished they didn’t have any. 

“Why am I here?” They asked the empty room. The empty room responded with the echos of drowned sobs. It was never helpful.

Benery felt something weird on their head, like somebody was combing their hair with slime.

The baby deer was chewing on Benreys hair. Gross. 

Benrey pulled some grass and handed it to the deer, it seemed happy with this and stopped chewing on their hair. They got up and scratched their head, where did their helmet go?  
Oh it fell downhill. Benrey stretched and walked down the hill making sure to have their hand of the deers back to steer it. They grabbed their helmet and continued to walk.

———————————————————————

Tommy went back to the river again. He sat next to a river and cried again. Benreys blood trail stopped here. Tommy couldn’t see anything that resembled a body. That made him worry even more. 

He and Sunkist went back home. Tommy laid on Benerys bed not caring about the blood now stained on the back of his nice shirt

Why would they leave? Did they leave themselves or did somebody take them? Who would have taken them? Why would anybody take them? 

‘Try no to think, it’ll only make it worse.’ His dad once said.

But Tommy kept thinking, too much. To many thoughts of horrid ways Benery dying. Drowning was the top one. Maybe a hunter saw them and shot them, mistaking them for something else. Falling off a mountain and braking their neck, a mother bear finding them. Oh the endless horrid ways to die. 

Tommy knew Benrey couldn’t die, everybody did. It’s just they will be back at the void again, and Tommy was fortunate to find them, even with his dads help. His dad was a expert on the void, after all he’s the one who designed most of it. 

Speaking of his dad, Tommy heard footsteps of his fathers. Loud and sharp, you could hear it loud and clear, even in a room full of walking people. 

Tommy faced the door to see his father. They looked at eachother for a beat until his father walked up to him and sighed.

“Sunkist called” oh right, she knew how to call. She knew how to do many things, like buy soda at the store. “Are you.. going.. to get up? This..bed is uncomfortable looking.” 

Tommy’s sighed, he didn’t want to move. He was exhausted. All the crying he’d done today really showed. He basically had tear streaks tattooed to his cheeks. 

“Can I pick you up? This...bed is not the best.”  
Tommy faced the other way. He could walk, it wasn’t that hard.

His dad slid his hands under Tommy’s back and lifted him. Tommy’s dad was strong, stronger than Benrey. He carried him to the living room and set him on the one of the couches. Tommy sat there staring at his lap while his father’s footsteps went towards Tommy’s bedroom. 

Then he came back, with a weighted yellow blanket. Tommy’s favorite, he’s had it ever since he was a kid. He handed Tommy the blanket and sat down next to him. 

Tommy didn’t want to speak, he only wanted to sleep. Tommy leaned against his father. 

It was silent, the air around them was odd. It had the kind and tired aura of Tommy and the intimidating aura of his father then add in the sadness. 

“When did you.. find out their gone?”

“When I got home.” Sunkist jumped on the couch and sat next to Tommy.

“Were..they acting, um strange? Before you left?”

“They cried for a while. And I sat with them, like how we are.”

“Do you um, know where they went? By chance?”

“Just o-outside. There is a trail of blood leading to...the river.” Tommy sniffed. 

“Hmm, well.. I suggest you sleep my son. Your..Benrey will be back soon.” He smiled.

Tommy’s father gently laid Tommy down next to Sunkist, then he started to hum. Tommy closed his eyes and drifted to sleep. 

Gman made sure to postpone his meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact about me! The animals in this are based off of actual animals I used to know! Merida was the nicest deer you could ever meet, she used to live next to one of the banks in my town. Bastard was the name of the crow, I don’t know why but Bastard used to sit next to my window and scream at me until I gave him something. 
> 
> I hope your week is well!

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly to practice my writing style and pacing for stories.


End file.
